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Franco DePatchio
Franco DePatchio (123 BC–God knows when) was most important for founding the world, even though he didn't directly do it. He was, however, the main source of the world and its inhabitants. He died by getting shot like five hundred times by a big muscular black man who was being racist. Franco DePatchio will always not be remembered. History Birth Franco DePatchio, born 123 ABC, was born from himself, as he obviously could not have a mother. That would be gay and just....really weird. No one has ever had a mother before....why would you even think that he was born from his mom? That's just disgusting incest crap that you're trying to pull on people, man, trying to act like you're all cool by talking about incest. Well you're not, because that crap's disgusting and you should know it, too. Don't you think about that when you make out with your stuffed animals? Well you'd better start thinking about it because it's just sick. You need to get a life, man. Franco DePatchio, inside his mom. Ridiculous. Stupid. Retarded. Fugly. You slut prostitute Slutostitute. Yeah, so Franco was just born. Franco was born out of thin air, out of nothing, almost. No wait, he was born out of nothing. Yes, that's right. Absolutely nothing. Nothing whatsoever. And some even say that you actually “can't” be born out of nothing. Well he was, and that's all you need to friggin know. You got that? Or are you still willing to debate it? Because we can go on for hours about how the Sun got all serious with the Milky Way Galaxy and then got pregnant and had a whole bunch of little planets. Pluto was like “wtf am I so small for?” and then the Sun's just like “cuz ur the runt, u friggin retard” and then Pluto's just like “ok wtf?” Childhood Thing is, Franco had a life. Before the world was created, Franco had a childhood, and he also had friends and a family to support. And the world was suffering an economic depression even before the world was created, isn't that just amazing? Ha.... Franco woke up one morning and his dad was shouting and screaming at his wife for leaving the brownies in the freezer for too long (the family loved frozen brownies; haven't you ever had a frozen brownie? They're delicious, but you're racist so you wouldn't want a frozen brownie anyway; screw you). His dad said, “Angelina, wife was Angelina Jolie back when she wasn't pregnant with an eighty-five year old man that she married [[money|for her own beneficial needs]) you need to clean up this mess you just made! There's brownies everywhere and it looks like someone just took a ten pound shit all over the kitchen!” (To be honest, when Brownies are left in the freezer for too long, they explode.) Angelina wasn't there, though. She had run away from the house that they lived in. She had packed her bags and moved out. Just moved out. Abandoned her baby son (Franco was almost three at the time) and her ex husband who was her husband (at the time). Angelina, coincidentally, planned to commit suicide by “hopefully” making herself die via concentration; but that's such a fucking stupid way to try and kill yourself, mainly because of the fact that doing that won't kill you; it'll just make you look stupid. And besides, have you ever heard of anyone dying by the use of concentration? It just doesn't fucking happen. And it never will. It doesn't make any sense. You'd basically just be sitting there and then you die. Sure, that happens, but only because of some other complicated medical problem, such as dying of old age at the age of twenty-one, having a heart attack, or some other way. And it only happens on movies anyway. That was when Franco was three. Well, almost three, as explained earlier. That was the day before his birthday, and his parents were just constantly cussing each other out to the point where it didn't even make any sense; one conversation went like this: *Unnamed husband: “Angelina fucking you ass cock dammit bitch!” *Angelina: “What the fuck did you just say?” *Unnamed husband: “Sucker bitch shitfucker!” *Angelina: “What the fuck?” *Unnamed husband: “I don't know. Nevermind.” That's how a lot of the conversations would often go, and then there'd be constant crying from Franco, due to the fact that he absolutely hated when his parents cussed all the time, and it was when his dad was always drinking and starting crap and stuff like that, and then they'd get into arguments over nothing, as demonstrated in the previous conversation transcript which was added at the request of several New York agents of the MMBC (or something). The next significant even that happened The next significant event that happened in Franco's life was when he was six and the house burnt down when his father had found someone knew (her name was coincidentally Lindsay Lohan) and they had been drinking about seventy bottles of beer when they shot a firework off in the house and it caught on fire, and eventually the entire house just blew up, killing the father and mortally wounding Lindsay (she had to get her tonsils surgically moved due to them catching on fire; she was rushed to the hospital but she had to get her arm amputated, too, for no reason). Franco was safe from the explosion due to the fact that the carelessness of his parents actually saved his life, as they had forgotten that they had left him laying on top of the car when they sat him down to put groceries into the trunk (they had gone to Walmart) and so he fell off when they were going into the driveway, and he rolled out onto the street. So, since Lindsay couldn't and didn't want to support Franco, Franco was just lying there in the middle of the road that night (it was nighttime....like three o' clock in the morning or something) cars kept narrowly missing him because his entire neighborhood were druggies and they didn't know that driving cars while being under the influence [[drug]s] is just plain stupid. Franco was awake by five o' clock in the morning, and this guy stopped in front of the baby and was a terrorist and was about to shoot the baby but then he saw a spider on the edge of the curb, smoking weed, and the terrorist had spiderphobia, so he was real scared and just got back into his car and drove off, leaving Franco safe. For then. When morning arrived, Franco opened his eyes from a recovery via the knockout that had occurred when he rolled off the car, and he felt really hungry so he ate the bird that was on his face (hey, don't say it's gross; he was a little six year old and he didn't know any better than to eat whatever he could see, and there was a bird that had fallen asleep on his face so he ate it) and then he got up and stretched for about six minutes, forty-two seconds, and hundred and eighty-eight milliseconds before realizing that he was in the middle of the road. But it was too late as a stupid SUV guy that wasn't paying attention to where he was going (he was playing cards with a stuffed animal and was angry that “the stuffed animal was being unresponsive again”) so Franco got knocked out cold again and finally, someone who was playing with his dog (turned out his name was coincidently Jonathon Marijuana; he went by the name Mr. Marijuana because he was a teacher at a local school), noticed this and called the police, but they were smoking way too much weed to care about “a kid who just got hit by a SUV and is currently bleeding uncontrollably and needs medical attention right away” so they just continued on their joints. So Mr. Marijuana ran out of his yard and into the road to pick up Franco, but there was a drive-by that was happening so he ducked behind the mailbox nearest to him and shot back with a sub-machine gun but found that it was loaded with carrots instead of bullets and so they just bounced off the cars that the gangs were driving in. So Mr. Marijuana as fast as he could, which was over sixty-miles per hour (his dad was Superman) and got to the hospital as fast as he could, and he arrived just in time for a medical dude to take Franco and “tend to his wounds”. Court Mr. Marijuana was apparently high at the time, however, as he always is, especially when teaching (he teaches pre-kindergarten kids and sometimes gets confused between basketballs and the kids themselves), so he had to go to court. Franco joined him at court, even though Franco had no idea what he was doing at the time, just sitting there, being a seven year old and all. He was always quiet, never said a thing. Not until the court period of time. The judge announced the start of the case, and asked the lawyer for his or her defense and subject (or whatever) and so after there was a long silence (about sixteen minutes of nothing but silence) the judge finally asked, “Is there even a friggin lawyer?” and then Franco raised his hand, and the judge said, “Yes? You, little fellow, what's your name?” and then Franco says, after a pause and a second of thought: “In the past, my primitive name was determined to exist as Franco DePatchio, based on my heredity and a combination of my selective intermediate parents' human naturalistic choice, defined by their characteristic likes and dislikes which managed to accumulate over a time period of several years in which several failed attempts eventually, inevitably resulted in an agreed determination of what my chosen, given name would be, and how it would actually give support to fractions of the basic cause of my current social status which is, however, largely determined via unimportant, less complicated subjects of which their matters are not to be discussed right now. I am present in this courtroom for I must tell the completely true—” The judge interrupted and said: “We only wanted your name, son. Thank you. Now, is anyone willing to support him as his lawyer? No? Well then, I'm going to say, well....jury?” and then everyone says “guilty” and then Mr. Marijuana is sentenced to twenty-five years in prison, to which Franco is to be held under the custody of Angelina, but since the case wasn't looked into far enough and so thus no one friggin knew where Angelina was, Franco was simply left alone. Going to school So he wandered around town, trying to figure out what to do, confused about the obscene cultural patterns that the majority of teenagers displayed[Too much Wikipedia talk]. Eventually, there was an authority who found him and told him that he needed to go to school and so Franco eventually decided that it was fair to do so and so he did, eventually, but didn't really know what the guy had been talking about when he said “or we'll kill you”. The thing was, America back then was suffering under martial law, since the world hadn't been created yet, and no one knew anything whatsoever whenever however or whatsoever, so no one ever really did anything about it. No one cared about anything else until this dictator stepped up to take place and said “Ah, you are to follow under my martial law” and so everyone did, pretty much. That's how simple it was. Franco wandered into school and was given a schedule, but then the school blew up and everyone rushed out, but couldn't in time and so thousands of people died, but Franco didn't. He never did. Eight-year olds never die. They can't. Have you ever heard of an eight-year old actually dying? Yeah, didn't think so. It just doesn't happen. It's not like it's physically impossible or anything, but it's just never happened. Trust us. Find out for yourself if you don't believe it. Google it. That should tell you. Teenage years When Franco was thirteen he joined his first gang association which he creatively named “The Franco-DePatchio Gang Association”, which they commonly abbreviated to FDGA, for whatever reason. The gang resulted in several, strangely dramatic, movie-related gang wars that were so awesome like the ones you see on TV. And stuff like that. The thing is, though, in these, people actually died, which is even awesomer!! Franco had an army gang of twelve people and six of them were too stupid to know any better so they got killed right on the spot (i.e. driving cars that had bombs in them, simply getting shot in the ear, falling off a cliff, etc.). The five friends of his who survived the first round (there were three rounds, of course; why wouldn't there be three rounds? Seriously, come on) were Cocaine Farmer (which was his best friend), Meth Saget, Weed Fro, Ross Walmart, and K-Mart Forever, all of whom were really stupid and thus had no interest or knowledge about gang wars and only joined Franco because it was “fun, safe, harmless, and fun!”, according to that guy who wrote Sesame Street. But that guy from Sesame Street was wrong. W-R-F-Q-L wrong! Turns out, gang wars aren't “safe”, “harmless”, and “fun”. They're qute different than that, actually. But so what. Cocaine, Meth, Weed, Ross, and K-Mart didn't care. They just wanted to fight with a gun of some sort. So, when round two started, which is, in reality, sophomore year, it took place in the cafeteria of the school they attended. This event, which happened annually to some two gangs of the sophomore year, was named “The Illegal Sophomore Gang War Event in the Cafeteria Which Lasts Only 24 Hours”, as if that wasn't specific enough. So everybody was ready, apparently, but then there was this little sweet, innocent, childish little kid who was on the other side of the gang, and he had a lollipop and a sucker and was wearing a cap that said “I love my Mom” and Franco had the chance to shoot him. He didn't know what to do.... But then K-Mart announced, “Step out of the way” and then he said “You gonna die you motherf**ker!” and he shot the kid several times, laughing maniacally, but then a disco ball fell on his head and he died. Ha. Wait, what? So the war continued, and lasted until the end of the day, obviously, as the name of the event suggested,. By the end of the day, everyone was done fighting and was simply sitting at a table smoking weed and staying high, cooling off, relaxing. But then the principal stormed in through the front door and announced, “Alright, all of you are expelled from this school! Leave, now! Before my toupee falls off from me yelling so much!” and then who was left of the gangs, Turnip Boy, Franco, Cocaine, Shoutee, and Jacketh offered the principal some weed and then the principal tried it and then the principal and the four guys from the two gangs just sat there on the cafeteria table and smoked weed for two days straight. No one really knows where they got all this weed from. Turnip Boy says that he has a weed field that his dad grows, but no one really believed him but it didn't really matter where it came from. Just the fact that it's there. Or whatever. After high school (college) After high school, Franco had gotten his diploma or whatever and headed to college where he studied worldism, or “the belief of the world” as it was only a myth that the world existed then, but Franco was the one who, in college, made the myth a reality by finding the purple cube in the pyramid of Zalflexio Miragolawis. But to be able to do that, we must go back in time to the age of which Franco was nineteen and he dropped out of school to go on that journey. The journey to some random foreign country Only Cocaine went with him, though, because everyone else was dead. So they flew on a magic carpet all the way to Spain or Paris or wherever the frig Egypt is and then they landed on top of one of the pyramids. On top of it they discovered a note which read: “Ay, lemme kick it to you right quick man Not on some gangsta shit man on some real shit Anybody who been through the same thing ''I'm sure you feel the same way. ''Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long ''Just tryin' to find my way back home ''But the old me's dead and gone Dead and gone And oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long Just tryin' to find my way back home But the old me's dead and gone Dead and gone, dead and” But that's all they could read before they fell off the pyramid and slid down it and fell onto the sand. Cocaine died right there. No one really knows how or why. He just did. He died. Right there. But no one really cared. So okay, yeah; moving on. Yeah, so Franco found himself at the bottom of the pyramid, deserted and alone, when all of a sudden this ancient tribe walked up to him, mumbling things to each other in different languages, languages that Franco didn't know. They had markings all over their faces and they didn't wear shirts; they wore little short shorts that looked like cloths wrapped around them. Franco imagined them as the Egyptians from a long time ago. They continued to speak in the different languages that he didn't understand; they wore head garments on their head that had weird designs. They suddenly stopped in front of Franco; they were all gathered around him in a circle. Then, the tribe leader walked over to Franco and, after a pause of silence, asked, “Who the fuck are you?” Franco didn't know what to say, really except “My name is master shake—” and then he was hit across the head real hard with a club. Then, he awoke, lying on the ground, them gathered around him, saying things in different languages again, languages Franco didn't know. Then, he stood up and then they all sat down. He began to sit down, too, but then the tribe leader said, “No, you dumbass, you're supposed to stand up.” And so Franco stood up, asking, “Who are you? Why have you taken me here?” to which the Egyptian pharaoh responded, “Well, if you would keep your fucking mouth closed long enough for me to finish then maybe you'd find out.” Franco wasn't intimidated really until the pharaoh pulled out a machine gun. Then Franco said, “Alright.” And the pharaoh explained, *The pharaoh: “We believe you are the chosen one, the one who may rule as the sacrifice to our great and mighty kingdom. We shall split your soul from your body and use it as the sacrifice to our gods, and then we shall bury your body inside a vast, large pyramid that—” *Franco: “But—” *The pharaoh: “Shut the fuck up! Now, as I was saying, we shall bury your body inside a vast, large pyramid in which you will live your afterlife. You shall be executed on this day as it is the holiday of the Egyptians and we must follow it in order to continue trade across Egypt. Are you ready to face your destiny, chosen one?” But Franco was gone. He was running away from them, as he had left the room that they had put him in, and he was crossing the large, sandy desert, trying to find somewhere to go, and there was nothing for miles and miles but sand and a blue sky. And random pyramids, scattered everywhere as well. But nothing. Then, he spotted, in the distance; yes, there it was, a motorcycle! Surely he wasn't having a marage. Maybe he was, but this was too good to be true to him; he hopped onto it and took off, but he couldn't because it was out of gas. Then he saw a jug of gasoline a few feet to the right of him. Then he picked it up but discovered it was empty. Suddenly, storm clouds started gathering and it started raining gasoline. This was the first time in his life that he was happy that it was raining gasoline. He got on the motorcycle and drove off as fast as it would go, the Egyptians following him on camels. After he had reached the end of the desert, he was out of gas so the motorcycle was no use to him whatsoever. The camels, of course, couldn't catch up to him, and they felt that the camels would do better instead of the aircraft that they had that would've worked a whole lot better and flown a whole lots faster. Creating the world Franco found himself in a deserted city. A ghost town pretty much. He looked around for a mode of transportation but all he could find was Volkswagens, really slow mopeds, and a skateboard that just happened to have been used on the set of Back to the Future. So Franco had nowhere to go. He looked for someone. Surely there would be someone there in the town, waiting for him, but there wasn't, so he walked into someone's house and started watching a rerun of that football game that he'd missed earlier, having all those sessions in his life that he'd been involved in. After eating all the chips in the kitchen of the house, he randomly said to himself, “Alright, I'm going to create the world!” and so he did. And so now we can finally get started on what this article is actually about. Beginning of the world :Main article: Beginning of the world What was most important to him What was most important to him, of course, went first, so Franco created cheese, milkshakes, chocolate, and ice-tea first. This likely explains why all this stuff is only eaten by old people, signifying that the are all old (or whatever; it still makes perfect sense). Issues There were a whole lotta issues that resulted from “what was important to him” as going first, because he was going by the “How to Create the World for Dummies” handbook that he'd bought at Borders in the Mall, so he had some issues that resulted from that, as explained earlier in this sentence. Also, when he was checking his MySpace messages, the majority of them were requests on what he should add into the world that he was going to create at some point in time (he was holding it off/procrastinating because he was lazy). Some of the requests included “Can you make laptops more affordable?” or “Can you stop school from being mandatory?” or “Can you get me hooked up with some hot chick?” and he felt like God for a second there, receiving all those MySpace emails. It seemed that if he ever posted a bulletin, there'd be a ton of comments asking about it, even if it was something simple like “I ate a dolphin at Long John Silvers today”, which sounds more like a tweet instead of a MySpace bulletin, but whatever. He was having trouble deciding on what to create for the world, because it was just so complicated to him, so he thought and he thought and he thought and he said, “think, think, think, poo bear” and then he said, “Alright, I'm definitely putting 'Winnie the Poo' on my 'List of cartoons I need to cancel'.” Assassination attempt Eventually, he made a public announcement in front of billions of people (it was even broadcasted all over the world) that he would begin his creation of the world, and then everyone cheered and clapped and cheered again and then clapped again and other crap like that. But then there was an assassination attempt at the assembly and he was almost shot in the leg, but then his bodyguard, Weevey (that was actually his name, I'm not joking around with you) simply caught the bullet in his hand and threw it all the way across the crowd with so much force that it disintegrated the air around it, leaving space in which air didn't occupy, due to the fact that air is racist and tends to want to only be in its own social groups and so thus doesn't want to interact with other air particles, due to the fact that air particles are racist of other air particles, as stated earlier. After the attempt So yeah, the assassination attempt didn't work. And Franco was scared, too. So scared that he screamed like a little girl in public and so his social status just dropped so much that everyone started giving him hate comments when he was checking the YouTube videos that he had been uploading in support of his favorite band, Slipknot. So yeah, when he started writing down prewriting steps to “how this was gonna go”, he was arrested many times, the first time from speeding of 160 miles per hour on the highway and running over two coffee cups which were sporadically in Franco's way while driving, mysteriously. So the cop first gave him a ticket, but eventually simply took the keys to his car and threw them off a cliff, saying “that's how we suspend your license in Egypt” and then Franco's like “Wtf I can totally just get another car. I mean seriously, how hard would that be. I have another car at my house.” And then the cop, who was already furious with Franco, simply said, “Grr....yo momma is so fat that she eats hamburgers!” and then Franco's like “wtf?” and then the cop pulls out a gun and then Franco pulls out a chaingun and says “you'd better watch it. I used this on Doom, the PC game, and I know what it does.” And the cop backed off the cliff they were standing near, and Franco was put in jail for three years, which quickly angered the public in slowing down the “Creation of the World Project”, which eventually resulted in the Japanese armed forces blowing up the prison that Franco was in, resulting in a Japanese-American war that lasted seventy-five centuries; the Japanese like water. And when the prison blew up, Franco was credited as being the cause for it, and so he sentenced another fifty years in prison, which resulted in the explosion of that prison, too, which resulted in him getting life in prison. The girl of his dreams During spending prison time at the prison he was spending time at, he met a very “beautiful”, as he called it, girl, that was serving time for killing three hundred people with a machine gun. You may ask how this ties in with the creation of the world? Well, really, it just sparked his enthusiasm and creationism for doing it, so she was essential in his needs for emotional stability. However, when he asked her to marry him, she refused and slapped him across the face, which plummeted any chances for the world being created (yet again). Getting out of prison (or whatever) How Franco got out of prison was he threatened to make everyone at the prison drink Pepsi Max. Everyone knew that Pepsi was bad enough by itself, but just by adding the word “Max” after it makes it sound so much worse. The entire prison was abandoned and Franco reached another issue. The prison was abandoned but he was still in his cell. And it was locked. Friggin locked. LOCKED. The keys were too far away for him to be able to reach them, and then suddenly, Regis Philbin shows up out of nowhere and says, “Hello, would you like to be a millionaire?” and then Franco says, “Are you....God?” Regis says, “What? No, I'm not God, stupid. I'm Regis Philbin. You know, from the game show that you bribed to get in and then said you'd sue me if I didn't let you in and then I called the security and you threatened to kill me?” Franco says, “Oh. Right. Yeah I remember you. Hey, why don't you actually be of some use and unlock me so I can escape out of my cell?” and Regis just leaves. After a few minutes, Franco says, “Well that was fucking random” to himself. Then, he found the key to opening the prison as it was laying on the floor of the prison, so he uses his mouse, Stuart Little, and gets the key to unlock the door. Then he gets out of it and walks house to work on creating the world some more. Death So instead of doing that like everybody wanted him to, he decided to simply go around town and start doing whatever he wanted, which usually revolved around eating hamburgers at McDonald's and shopping for clothes at the mall. When people asked him “to fucking hurry up already”, and had asked it “too much for him to bare”, he made a public announcement: “People of Shit town was the name of the town, I must explain that I have a life too and it does not revolve around creating the world, alright? You got that? Because I don't even wanna friggin do this anymore. It's madness. I hate it. I wanna just burn this town down with gasoline and laugh right in your dead little faces.” And then this large black man shot him fifty-seven times. You think he lived? No he did not. No way. He died. See also *History of the world